For Magnus Chase: Hotel Valhalla Guide to the Norse Worlds: Your Introduction to Deities, Mythical Beings, & Fantastic Creatures Read online

  It’s not every day I get my hands on a fine piece of magical weaponry. So when Frey offered to give me Sumarbrander in exchange for going to Jotunheim to talk to Gerd for him, you’d better believe I said yes.

  But there was a catch: The sword was destined to end up in Surt’s hands. You heard right. Surt, the Black One, Lord of Muspellheim, and, oh, I don’t know, the one who brings chaos to the world, was supposed to get my blade one day.

  When I found out, I was a little anxious about Surt coming after me to get the sword. Then I thought, Well, he won’t come after me if I don’t have it on me.

  This is where my good-for-nothing son comes into the story. He’d been moaning about how he was bored in Asgard, how all the other gods got their kids the latest cool stuff, how I never let him go exploring in the other worlds, blah, blah, blah. I’d had it up to here with him, so I decided to send him away. “Pick where you want to go,” I told him.

  First he said Alfheim, then he changed his mind and said Nidavellir. I was about to send him straight to Ginnungagap when he finally decided on Midgard. “But I don’t want to walk or ride a horse. I want to go on a boat. Not a little boat—a big boat, with sails and rowers. And I want to be captain. That way, everybody has to obey me!”

  “But you don’t know thing one about sailing, especially navigating a Midgard ocean,” I pointed out.

  “Why do you have to be such a hater?” he whined. “You never let me do anything!”

  I found him a ship pretty quick after that. The crew that came with it looked a little sketchy, but what can you do?

  And this is where the sword comes back into the story. Besides worrying about Surt showing up to take it, I’d had the blade long enough to know it was never going to feel right in my hands. I couldn’t give it back to Frey, because he’d pledged it to me; and I couldn’t give it to just anybody, because what if they gave it to Surt?

  So I did the only logical thing. I wrapped it in some old blankets and hid it in the hold of the ship. The second my rotten kid was on board, I bellowed “bon voyage!” and shoved the vessel away from the dock with my foot. I assumed he wouldn’t darken my door again for some time, and when he did return, I’d have figured out what to do about Sumarbrander.

  I know what you’re thinking: incompetent captain, sketchy crew, magic sword, dangerous ocean, unfamiliar world—what could possibly go wrong?

  I found out when my kid came sailing back in on a different ship, complaining about being seasick, about how his crew didn’t listen to him, and about it not being his fault.

  “What wasn’t your fault?” I asked, though I was pretty sure I knew the answer.

  Surprise, surprise, the boat had sunk off the shore of some Midgard backwater, taking the sword with it. The foolish boy didn’t know exactly where the vessel went down—or if he did, he wasn’t saying.

  So technically, my son is the one who lost the sword. But if you want to pin Sumarbrander’s disappearance on me, fine. I’ll take the blame for my kid. What else is new?

  TYPE: God

  HOME WORLD: Originally from Asgard, sent to Vanaheim after the war. Now dwells in the well of knowledge at the roots of Yggdrasil.

  APPEARANCE: A wrinkly faced, rusty-haired severed head with a beard and an unfortunate underbite—until properly hydrated. Then a smooth-faced, rusty-haired severed head with a beard and an unfortunate underbite.

  BEST KNOWN FOR: Not having a body. Also, letting individuals drink from the well of knowledge in exchange for servitude, unspeakable anguish, or both. Runs pachinko parlors when not bobbing about in the waters of infinite wisdom.

  There’s something I want to get off my chest. I hear what you people say behind my back. You think I’d give my right arm to be the way I was before the Aesir-Vanir war. Not so. Cross my heart, I washed my hands of Asgard and Vanaheim long ago.

  Don’t get me wrong: Life in the well of knowledge isn’t a walk in the park. I’ve learned things that have sent shivers down my spine. And it can be a real pain in the neck when the gods, dwarves, giants, you name it, come to cry on my shoulder. Sometimes I try to give them a leg up, let ’em have a sip in exchange for a little something-something. Other times, though, they’re so irritating I just want to give them a knuckle sandwich. Mostly I just cross my fingers that they don’t show their faces here again.

  But on the plus side, I’ve got plenty of elbow room down here in the well. Tons of free time on my hands, too, and I don’t just sit around twiddling my thumbs. Nah, instead of dragging my feet, I’ve invented some stuff. Got my fingers in a lot of pies, actually, and been making money hand over fist, if you want to know the truth. Here are just a few of the creations that took off:

  STRAW: Whether sucking up a favorite beverage or shooting a spit-soaked wad of paper at an unsuspecting target, this simple tube can do it all. Straws come in fifty-, one-hundred-, and five-hundred-count packages and are available in clear, opaque white, striped, or neon colors. Make ’em bendy or curly for just a little more moola!

  BASEBALL CAP: It’s the headwear sensation that’s sweeping the nations! Versatile enough for use in any world. The brim can protect dwarves from the never-ending Alfheim light and the blinding sun of Midgard. Elves, wear it backward for a funky street-cred look and let the sun’s rays (and admiring raves!) bring you back to life. Choose from a wide variety of colors and brim shapes—or use the patented design tool to customize your own unique style. Adjustable back strap makes it a perfect fit for any head.

  PILLOW: You’ve had a long day. Now it’s time to relax. Let us help with our feather-filled rectangle of downy softness, the perfect comfort zone in which to nestle your head for the night. When ordering, please specify falcon, raven, pigeon, or eagle fill. Allergic to feathers? Try our all-natural goat-fur alternative instead. Act now and get a second pillow free. Shipping and handling charges may apply.

  TYPE: Goddess

  HOME WORLD: Helheim

  APPEARANCE: One-half beautiful woman with elven-pale skin and long dark hair and one-half horrifying rotted corpse

  FAMILY: The daughter of Loki and a giantess; sister of Fenris Wolf and Jormungand

  BEST KNOWN FOR: Ruling Helheim, the land of the dishonorable dead

  EVITE FROM HEL

  You’re Invited to Our Family Reunion!

  My, how time flies! It seems like an eternity since we’ve all gotten together. If you agree it’s been too long, join me here in Helheim to swap stories, share milestones, reminisce about the old days, and talk about the future!

  Please bring a dish and a beverage to share. Hope to see you in Helheim!

  When: Nine days hence

  Where: Helheim

  RSVP: By next Frigg’s Day

  PS: Dress warm—it can get a bit chilly here in the underworld!

  Invitee/Relationship to Host

  Attending: Yes/No/Maybe

  Message to Host

  Loki/Father

  Maybe

  I’m a little tied up right now, but I’ll see if I can break free.

  Angrboda/Mother

  Yes

  A thousand years, and not so much as a card or a call from you, Fenny, or Jor. I don’t know why I’m surprised. I’m only your mother. Why should my needs be your concern?

  You’re ashamed of me because I’m a giantess. That’s it, isn’t it?

  I don’t think you really want me to come. I mean, why else would you invite Sigyn and Sleipnir? You know how I feel about them.

  Fine. I’ll come. But I won’t have fun.

  Fenris Wolf/Brother

  No

  Would have attended if Odin was on the menu

  Jormungand/Brother

  Mmmphhmmm

  (Note from Host: Jor left a voice mail, but I couldn’t understand it, probably because he had his tail in his mouth again. Crossing fingers he shows up with his famous sushi!)

  Sigyn/Stepmother

  Yes

  I should stay at my poor husband Loki’s side to keep the venom from
hitting his face, but I’ll be there. Ooo! I’ll bring baby pictures of Narvi and Vali!

  Narvi/Stepbrother

  No

  Deceased (Torn to shreds by Vali after Vali was turned into a wolf)

  Vali/Stepbrother

  No

  Deceased (Disemboweled after tearing Narvi to shreds)

  Sleipnir/Step-horse

  Yes

  Bummed my mom Loki’s not coming, but I’ll trot on by! Let me know if I can bring my boy Stanley—he wants to meet the other side of the family!

  TYPE: God

  HOME WORLD: Asgard

  APPEARANCE: Big, beefy, horn-toting, far-seeing, and somewhat sleep-deprived. Has gold teeth.

  FAMILY: Born of the Nine Mothers (Don’t ask me. It’s his story to tell.)

  BEST KNOWN FOR: Standing guarding over the Bifrost, the rainbow bridge that connects Asgard and Midgard

  Don’t be surprised if you hear this over the hotel loudspeaker one day:

  BLAA! BLAA! BLAA!

  Attention! This is a test of the Asgard Emergency Broadcast System. For the next sixty seconds, Heimdall will blow his horn. This sound will one day herald the coming of Ragnarok. If this were the actual day of doom, you would be informed that Heimdall had sighted the giants amassing outside Asgard’s fortifications and at the far end of the rainbow bridge. Instructions for defending Asgard against their murderous rampage would follow.

  This is only a test.

  BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

  This concludes the test of the Asgard Emergency Broadcast System. We now return you to your regularly scheduled existence.

  TYPE: Goddess

  HOME WORLD: The sea

  APPEARANCE: Ancient-looking, with wrinkly pale white skin, cloudy green eyes, and blond hair streaked with gray. Wears a one-of-a-kind silver net skirt encrusted with random objects and the souls of those lost at sea.

  FAMILY: Married to Aegir, lord of the waves; they have nine daughters

  BEST KNOWN FOR: Scavenging and hoarding assorted flotsam from the ocean

  One day long, long ago, I was having a lovely drift on my husband Aegir’s waves when something snagged in my skirt. It looked like a long, skinny wooden bowl—a boat, Njord, the god of ships and stuff, called it. When I turned it over, a handful of humans fell out and started drowning.

  Out of nowhere, a flock of Odin’s Valkyries swarmed the sky. Then Njord’s daughter—what’s-her-name, the pretty one—Freya? Freya flew in on her feline-fueled chariot. Hel made an appearance, too, rumbling up from below. They circled the humans, checking them out and arguing over who should get which of the very nearly newly deceased. It was like a shark’s feeding frenzy for souls.

  Now, I never intended to host an afterlife. But the way I saw it, the sea was my turf, so those souls were mine. I caught them in my skirt and held on tight.

  The Valkyries pretended they didn’t want them anyway—not heroic enough for Valhalla, they claimed—and left. Freya laughed at me and then made off with some sparkly bits the humans had stored in a chest. From then on, I made sure to grab any sparkly bits I found, just to spite her.

  Hel gave me the most grief. She complained that Odin and Freya always got the pick of the litter, so she should at least get everyone else. I made my point about there being different rules in international waters, etc. I also threatened to sic her brother the World Serpent on her if she didn’t leave immediately. Jormungand and I have an understanding, so I knew he’d come through for me if I asked. In the end, Hel agreed that anyone lost at sea would remain with me forever. So I won that battle.

  Best of all? Njord let me keep the boat for my collection. Want to see it?

  TYPE: Goddess

  HOME WORLD: Asgard

  APPEARANCE: Beautiful and self-assured with a touch of sadness

  FAMILY: Wife of Odin, mother of Balder and Hod

  BEST KNOWN FOR: Being the goddess of marriage, motherhood, and relationships. She’s also the queen of Asgard.

  TYPE: God

  HOME WORLD: Originally from Asgard, now doomed to Helheim for eternity

  APPEARANCE: Incredibly handsome

  FAMILY: Son of Odin and Frigg; brother of Hod

  BEST KNOWN FOR: Being killed by Hod’s mistletoe arrow (But it wasn’t his fault!)

  TYPE: God

  HOME WORLD: Asgard

  APPEARANCE: Good-looking and blind

  FAMILY: Son of Odin and Frigg; brother of Balder

  BEST KNOWN FOR: Being tricked by Loki into killing Balder with an arrowhead made of mistletoe

  TYPE: Goddess

  HOME WORLD: Asgard

  APPEARANCE: Youthful, pretty

  BEST KNOWN FOR: Being the keeper of the apples of immortality. Also for being kidnapped by and rescued from the giant Thjazi.

  TYPE: God

  HOME WORLD: Originally from Asgard, sent to Vanaheim after the Aesir-Vanir war

  APPEARANCE: Has a constantly confused expression on his handsome face

  BEST KNOWN FOR: Irritating the Vanir gods so much with his indecisiveness that they decapitated Mimir

  Dear Frigg:

  I am the mother of two wonderful boys. My problem isn’t with them, but with a third boy they met at school. It seems every time they’re together, this third boy coaxes my younger son into playing a prank on my older boy. While the pranks have been harmless, I’m wondering if I should intervene before things get too out of hand. Or should I just let boys be boys?

  Signed,

  Three’s a Crowd

  Dear Three’s:

  For the love of Odin, learn from my example and intervene! Like you, I have two sons, Hod and Balder. Growing up, Balder was the best of the best—handsome, kind, cheerful, brave, generous, and tidy—and everybody, including Hod, loved him. He looked out for Hod, because Hod was blind and because he loved him.

  All would have been fine had my boys not started hanging out with another boy, named Loki. Loki pretended to be their friend—but he secretly despised Balder, so whenever he had the chance, he tried to hurt him. But Balder was safe, for when he was a child, I asked everything in the world not to hurt him. Everything agreed, and so Balder was invulnerable.

  Or so we all thought.

  Sadly, I overlooked one tiny plant: mistletoe. Loki used my oversight to his advantage. He fashioned an arrowhead of mistletoe and convinced Hod, who trusted him, to shoot it. Hod didn’t realize he was aiming at his brother. The mistletoe missile hit Balder and…well, Balder has been in Helheim ever since. He could have made it back to me if it weren’t for Hel’s unreasonableness. But that’s another story.

  So yes, you could “just let boys be boys.” But ask yourself: Is it worth the risk?

  Sincerely,

  Frigg

  Dear Frigg:

  I like a girl, but she doesn’t like me. I’m thinking of asking this other boy who owes me a favor to see if he can make her go out with me. Do you think that’s a good idea?

  Signed,

  Pining

  Dear Pining:

  It’s terrible to be in love when the object of your affection doesn’t reciprocate. But the truth is, you can’t “make” a girl go out with you, and you certainly shouldn’t try.

  I remember when a boy named Loki tricked my friend Idun into going on a date with a giant bully named Thjazi. Idun never would have gone out with Thjazi if he’d asked her himself. In fact, when she realized who the date was with, she felt totally trapped. Is that how you want your special girl to feel? I sincerely hope not!

  Still tempted to pursue your plan? Maybe you won’t be when you hear how Idun’s story ended. While suffering through the date, she managed to send word of her predicament to her warrior friends. She had lots of friends, and not just because she gives out apples of immortality. Anyway, they came storming to her rescue. Once she was safe, they turned up the heat on Thjazi and made sure he would never treat a girl—or anyone else, for that matter—with such disrespect again
.

  So I urge you, Pining, to think twice before you move forward. Remember, your girl probably has friends, too.

  Sincerely,

  Frigg

  Dear Frigg:

  My coworker and I are having a disagreement. We do all the work, and our boss takes all the credit. I’m sick and tired of it. I say we should stop working and let him take the blame, but my coworker says that will end badly for us. What do you think we should do?

  Signed,

  Frustrated

  Dear Frustrated:

  Your situation reminds me of two friends, Mimir and Honir, who were chosen for an exchange program to another land. People there loved Honir, because he was good-looking. They believed he was smart, so they came to him for advice, which he gave willingly. What the people didn’t know was that Honir was as dumb as rocks. It was Mimir, highly intelligent but lacking in charisma, who was feeding Honir the solutions to their problems.

  This system worked fine until Mimir got fed up and stopped helping Honir. When Honir’s advice suddenly went downhill, the people realized they had been duped. They raged at Honir. The simpleton explained it had all been Mimir’s idea. So they went after Mimir and…well, let’s just say he ended up in deep water and leave it at that.

  So before you lose your head over this, I advise you to consider your situation carefully. Will your boss really end up bearing the blame? Or will he point the finger at you?

  Sincerely,

  Frigg

  TYPE: God

  HOME WORLD: Asgard

  APPEARANCE: A one-handed warrior

  BEST KNOWN FOR: Having his hand eaten by Fenris Wolf while the other gods bind the beast with the rope Gleipnir